The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh

I have trust and control issues with God. I'm not going to pretend like I don't, because I do. And they run DEEP. This really hinders my relationship with God sometimes and prevents me from drawing closer to him in the times I desperately need to.

I need to feel like I am in control of my own life. I know that I'm supposed to surrender everything (hopes, dreams, etc..) to him but. I. just. can't. Why? Because. It's the people you see every sunday in church, it looks like there doing everything 'right' for the Lord. Then out of nowhere their dreams are snatched away, or a spouse is found out to be having an affair, or the husband and father of young children is terminally ill and dies. You. have. no. control.

And that's the point where I panic. What if God takes Levi away from me? What if we live in poverty for forever? What if I never get what I want? If I earn this degree and pursue this as a career I will make this amount of money and I can buy anything I need to and we will always have health and life insurance and life will be perfect.

And then I look at what I'm saying... I, I, I, me, me, me... This life is not about me and what I want for my life. Life is not about how much money you make. It is about following what God has planned for me. And God isn't out to hurt you... Yes, bad things happen in life but God is bigger than those situations and has the power to get you through those issues. And sometimes I need to remind myself 1) My God LOVES me! He hurts when I hurt 2) God will give you the strength to make it through hard times that come to you 3) God will never give you more that you can bare and 4) everything you have is ultimately his anyway (so you should hold it lightly)

God is GOOD. His will for my life is more important than anything I could possibly want in this life. I have nothing to fear in God. And this small reminder always brings peace to my heart and helps me let go of fruitless dreams that aren't what God has in store for my life.

The debate for friday

Now don't laugh. but. we're back at the drawing board of my life.... I KNOW that it's like beating a dead horse but I can't NOT think about my future. So what should I BE when I grow up? This week I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I WILL come up with an answer. Someday.

Lets face it, I wouldn't be content to sit in a lab day in and day out doing projects that I didn't think were making a difference in the world. I want to feel like what I do is helping people, not just theoretically helping them but actually making their lives better. So what should I do? At this point I'm thinking that anything I decide to do will involve more schooling.

But when I start thinking of pursuing more school I'm worried that it's not bettering the Kingdom, just my own satisfaction. I'm worried that I'm wasting my time here on Earth with things that don't matter (well people and the environment matter but not as much as eternal life...) like more schooling and making money and making a difference. I feel stuck.

I don't want to waste my life.