25 days of thanksgiving

Happy November! I decided this month to choose to blog / facebook post / let people know about something I'm thankful for everyday until Thanksgiving. This conscious effort to tell about what I am thankful for will help me 'count my blessings' with a happy heart. Often things and people are taken for granted and overlooked in my busy life. It's easy to grumble and wish things were different.

A thankful heart is a perfect place for joy to grow.

So let's kick off the month.

I'm thankful for my husband. First and foremost I am thankful that he loves the Lord, but I am also thankful for so many other things about him. He works hard to bring home a paycheck so I can finish school and get my degree and after working all day he puts countless hours into house projects. This weekend he spent his whole Saturday morning building me a shelf in the kitchen! And he came home on Friday and sanded all the mud (sheetrock mud, not mud mud) in our entryway before taking me on a wonderful date!

He even looked up the difference of chow mein and lo mein for me so I could figure out which one I liked (the waitress wasn't much help...) He takes time to ask about how my day was and listens to me rant and rave explain all the parts of my very complicated day. 

He helps me stay more focused on important things in life and less on the petty things. I appreciate his encouragement, support, and love. After having a trying day it's nice to be able to go home to him and relax. 

What are you thankful for today?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh

I have trust and control issues with God. I'm not going to pretend like I don't, because I do. And they run DEEP. This really hinders my relationship with God sometimes and prevents me from drawing closer to him in the times I desperately need to.

I need to feel like I am in control of my own life. I know that I'm supposed to surrender everything (hopes, dreams, etc..) to him but. I. just. can't. Why? Because. It's the people you see every sunday in church, it looks like there doing everything 'right' for the Lord. Then out of nowhere their dreams are snatched away, or a spouse is found out to be having an affair, or the husband and father of young children is terminally ill and dies. You. have. no. control.

And that's the point where I panic. What if God takes Levi away from me? What if we live in poverty for forever? What if I never get what I want? If I earn this degree and pursue this as a career I will make this amount of money and I can buy anything I need to and we will always have health and life insurance and life will be perfect.

And then I look at what I'm saying... I, I, I, me, me, me... This life is not about me and what I want for my life. Life is not about how much money you make. It is about following what God has planned for me. And God isn't out to hurt you... Yes, bad things happen in life but God is bigger than those situations and has the power to get you through those issues. And sometimes I need to remind myself 1) My God LOVES me! He hurts when I hurt 2) God will give you the strength to make it through hard times that come to you 3) God will never give you more that you can bare and 4) everything you have is ultimately his anyway (so you should hold it lightly)

God is GOOD. His will for my life is more important than anything I could possibly want in this life. I have nothing to fear in God. And this small reminder always brings peace to my heart and helps me let go of fruitless dreams that aren't what God has in store for my life.

The debate for friday

Now don't laugh. but. we're back at the drawing board of my life.... I KNOW that it's like beating a dead horse but I can't NOT think about my future. So what should I BE when I grow up? This week I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I WILL come up with an answer. Someday.

Lets face it, I wouldn't be content to sit in a lab day in and day out doing projects that I didn't think were making a difference in the world. I want to feel like what I do is helping people, not just theoretically helping them but actually making their lives better. So what should I do? At this point I'm thinking that anything I decide to do will involve more schooling.

But when I start thinking of pursuing more school I'm worried that it's not bettering the Kingdom, just my own satisfaction. I'm worried that I'm wasting my time here on Earth with things that don't matter (well people and the environment matter but not as much as eternal life...) like more schooling and making money and making a difference. I feel stuck.

I don't want to waste my life.

I'm taking a vote

Where should we move when I graduate?

post your vote

Robert Frost: Stopping by woods on a snowy evening

This is one of my favorite poems. My dad and I use to quote it often as we walked through the woods in the winter. I use to listen to Robert Frost read it on an old album my grandma had on her record player. And today it feels like winter is just around the corner.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Graduating.

I graduate May 14th. Well, that is if I meet my requirements... I'm very terrified that it's going to come to May 1st and they're just going to say 'what? you did take (____)!? there is NO way you can graduate, see you next year sucker!' During my afternoon break sometimes I dream about it.

I WILL graduate, I WILL graduate...

I feel like the little train that could...

But graduating brings up a whole new 'bag of worms' so to speak. What am I going to DO with my life? I've been told by many people to 'start popping out babies'... No, not yet dear friends. I have goals and ambitions... I have mountains to climb and rivers to paddle. No babies.

I feel like I'm not living up to my potential by not going to grad school but I really don't have a deep burning desire to do more school. So axing babies and school off the lists leaves me with... finding a job. But then that means I have to figure out WHERE to get a job. It means filling out APPLICATIONS. It means the same redundant day 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year. Oh goodness...

Today I started looking at what jobs there are out 'in the real world.' The forestry jobs caught my attention. This would mean moving away from the area though. Moving is a whole other issue. Everything just seems so complicated. What to do, where to go, etc...

BUT right now I don't even have a degree, why worry about tomorrows problems. It WILL all work out.

I'm back! :)

Whew! What a crazy last two months.... I'm now officially back in school, working part time, on the soccer team, and trying to be a good wife. It's a handful :)

My poor husband... Monday we woke up at 5 am and went down to St. Cloud Surgery Center for him to get his jaw 'fixed.' They moved his upper jaw 4 mm forward and rotated it to the right. I thought it was going to be more like having your tonsils taken out, quick and easy. No. Not even close. Even as he went into surgery I was joking about it and not thinking too much about it. I prayed that God would give the Dr.s wisdom and all that but I wasn't too worried. It took him almost 3 or 4 hours to wake up from the anesthesia (which was only supposed to take 1 or 2 at max). He looked so beat up... There was a tube sucking blood from his stomach, he couldn't keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds, and he couldn't talk at all. His face was swollen and there was dried blood in his ear. I felt terrible. I shouldn't have joked around about it so much. I brought him to his parents house Tuesday morning before going to class. He's doing well but still not doing much but napping in his chair. He can't chew for 6 weeks so milk shakes it is. He's already been asking about eating pizza if he doesn't chew it :) but he doesn't want it mashed up. This will defiantly be a learning process for both of us :)