Hmm...

I started a new blog today. I kinda feel like I'm cheating on this blog. But I'm not. I just wanted a separate blog for food. Yes, food. And that's okay. I think the link is tomatocurry.blogspot.com if you want to check it out!

cold and cute

On days like today it's hard to mistake me for anything other than the outdoors girl that I am. Today I pulled into the school parking lot and in my mind played one of those slow moving commercials where the babe gets out of the sports car and you see her stylish heals step out as the door opens, her long dress flows out on to the red carpet, and as she steps out she looks at the camera with her long hair blowing in the wind... That's how I feel, but not quite how I look. It's a little more like: I pulled up to school in the Jeep Patriot, my Keen winter boots (love!) step out on to the snow covered pavement, I grab my Patagonia green backpack from the back seat, my braids pulled tight to my head and covered with a cute stripped hat. I walk to the science building, ski gloves wrapped tight around my REI mug.

And I feel like the cutest snow bunny ever.

Thank you Minnesota for your cold winters so I can feel cute on days like today :)

Back at it

So I think I've come up with 3 careers that I could pursue and be very happy with.

1) Environmental Law- I think this would be so fun! Except for the epic amounts of paperwork that it comes with... But I could get over that.

2) Journalism- Okay, this is something I have wanted to do for a while but I would want to be like Michael Pollen, Wendell Berry, or something along those lines... I have always loved my english classes (and done fairly well in them) despite my struggle with spelling and punctuation (my mother said I just need to have a spectacular editor). Providing reading material to raise awareness on issues that are important would be meaningful to me. Despite the poverty.

3) Environmental Engineer- I would enjoy working on clean water projects and pollution issues. The math and the physics is a little scary... But if that's really what I wanted to do I could push through them.

Basically it looks like I'll be back in school at some point. And that's okay. I think.

Thankfulness #16

I'm thankful for downtime. Sometimes life just gets too busy and downtime is rare. Tuesdays are always hectic but I usually get an hour or two to relax, grab a cup of coffee, pick up my Bible or book, and sit by the big window in the library. This is the best part of the day. I turn on my music, pull out lunch, and rest my brain. Sometimes I just sit and look out the window. And that's okay. I have a few minutes to do that. And today I'm thankful to be able to do just that. I'm practicing using descriptive words in my free time today:

She stomped across the snow-covered pathway, determination burning in her eyes. As she marched the snow fell from the trees heavy and wet reflecting her attitude. 

I would like to take a creative writing class sometime. I think it would be fun. Maybe next year when I have time :)

Thankfulness 11 & 12

I'm thankful for my mother and my father. I could have made this one thankfulness and called it parents but I am thankful for each individually as well as together.

My mother: I'm so thankful for her and how she has shaped my life and view of the world. Her encouragement and expectations always pushed me to do my best and settle for nothing less. She instilled in me a drive for results and goals. She taught me how important it is to always put people first. Her emphasis on honesty, integrity, and character has shown me just how important those traits are. I appreciate everything she has done for me and everything she has taught me. I really couldn't have had a better mother.

My dad: What a guy. My dad is always asking questions. I think this is where I get my inquisitive mind. He is constantly looking for ways to do things better. One example I remember is when we were looking through a farm catalog at new tools that were out for farmers. We came across a self-feeder for calves. My dad really liked it but wasn't going to spend whatever amount it was selling for. So he went out and made one. He is an excellent problem solver and trouble-shooter. And he is hilarious. I have never met someone I find as funny as my dad. We have similar senses of humor which may account for some of it but he is also genuinely funny. My dad always let me do chores with him when I was younger. Which I loved to do. We would go 'out back' to the cattle pasture and he would let me count cows (to make sure we weren't missing any). He would have me count them by 1s then 2s then 5s and sometimes even by 3s. And being my dad was a farmer he was at home all day. So every morning he would wake me up before school and make me breakfast. Every. Morning. I had my choice of pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, or malt-o-meal. It was wonderful.

I'm so very grateful for my parents. Most importantly I'm thankful that they love the Lord and have been an example for me throughout my life.

I guess it was Veteran's Day!

I was driving to Morris this morning to go to work (Thursdays I don't have school so I usually work a full day) when I remebered it was Veteran's Day. I thought to myself, 'I thought today was considered a holiday. Maybe not.' I got to work and no one was there. Oops. It IS a national holiday and federal employees (aka me) don't work (but still get paid). So I drove home and made myself a mid-morning pick-me-up.

And I started on my homework. With my new friend :) who I should now introduce!

This is our new kitten June!! What a precious little cat! She is about 8 weeks old. A girl I work with found her and couldn't keep her and Levi has been practically begging for a new cat in the past weeks so I told her I would take it. What a cutie! She is a 'talker' and loves to sit as close as she can to you, especially if it involves your shoulder. So June and I had a good morning cleaning and doing odds and ends around the house (Harriet got spayed on tuesday and isn't feeling well so she wasn't around too much). As I was cleaning the kitchen I stopped and was amazed at how far our house has come since Levi bought it. Our kitchen went from this

to this

Ignore the dirt and mess :) but AMAZING! Almost everything has been miraculously transformed. Most rooms are a work in progress still but everything is livable. And we love it :) it has so much character. For example:

The brick in our living room from an old chimney. Love! This is what we had to deal with in the living room:

Ummm ISH! But now it looks a little more like:

Lookin' better! After doing all the sheet-rock, mudding, taping, priming, and painting it's getting closer to being done. We have invested so much sweat and time into the house. But all-in-all it's been fun. Or at least an experience. My mother-in-law likes to call it character building. We've enjoyed having our own 'place' and having pets and doing what we like with the house. It really feels like 'ours', even if it's not finished yet. Someday :)

But! Now I need to finish homework. I haven't had a day off in the middle of the week in a long time. Most importantly, thank you veterans!  

The Holidays

I'm getting excited for the holidays... REALLY excited. I made my Christmas list already on Amazon! And currently I'm sitting listening to The Messiah on my computer.

I love listening to The Messiah. Most the scripture that is quoted in it is taken out of Isaiah, my favorite book of the Bible. (I even have a scripture from Isaiah tattooed on my foot. If I ever had a son I would consider naming him Isaiah but the problem is I have Isaiah tattooed on my foot. Which would mean I would have to get all my other kids names tattooed on me and that's not really my thing...) Anyway, when I was younger during Christmas and Easter my dad would have The Messiah playing non-stop on his record player down stairs. It was always family tradition to have The Messiah on in the background throughout the whole season. The Messiah consists of three parts: The Annunciation (baby Jesus), The Passion (Easter), and The Aftermath (when he comes again) with scripture being pulled mostly out of Isaiah, Matthew, and Luke. Needless to say, I have almost all 43 songs memorized. There are a few that have no words but I can still hum the tune! When I was pretty young I would sing the line 'All we like sheep' as 'go feed my sheep' while my brother sang 'the wee black sheep.' (My dad liked my version the best haha) Nobody ever complained when The Messiah was turned on in our house.

So sitting in the library now listening to my favorites has me all excited for food, Christmas cards, presents, time with family, and sipping hot cocoa on chilly nights.

#8

I'm thankful for my health and well-working body!

I was working out this morning at the local gym and I grabbed a Runners World magazine to flip through as I did a little biking and they had an article on runners and tri-athletes that had prosthetics. I was shocked. This man had prosthetics on both legs from knee down. He completed an Ironman championship race in under 17 hours. WOW. (I looked for the article online but couldn't find it, if I do I'll post it.) I was totally floored. How many of us have two good working legs and choose to do nothing? I was pondering that during class today. How can you loose both legs at the knee and have to relearn to walk and then decide that you want to do an Ironman....? Good for him!

The weekend

AWESOME weekend! That's a good way to sum it all up.

Katy and I went down to REI for a scratch and dent sale. We spent the night sleeping peacefully in our tent under the glowing REI sign, dreaming of what we would buy in the morning... Actually, we spent a very frigid night on a cold slab of cement that was uncomfortable and then got up at 5am to seek refuge in a nearby Einstein's bagels. But is was an adventure!! I got a CUTE dress, a hoody, a mug, a headlamp, and Levi a new pair of shoes. Success!

That evening I got to meet up with a very dear friend that I have not seen in forever! We sat at caribou for a  while and chatted. I was so happy to see her :)

Sunday we were able to go to the vikings game (SKOL!) which needless to say was SO EXCITING! And I got to sit by my sister-in-law which made it that much better :) We had quite an adventure on the way home as the car broke down... It was a fun time of family bonding and joking AFTER we were safely in a different car :)

And because I missed my thankfulness posts for the weekend
#6- I'm thankful for a reliable car!
#7- I'm thankful for good friends to spend crazy adventures with :)

Content

You'll notice that today is not a thankfulness post (look at facebook to check that out) I just wanted to chat about God for a few seconds before I go to class.


In the past month or two I've been so focused on figuring out what I need to do with my life it's driven everyone (my husband, my mom, my dad, ML, probably Katy, the cat, the dog, and myself) INSANE. Being anxious and unsettled about my future makes me crabby, irritable, rude, quick to anger, easily frustrated (to the point of tears), and all-around a frazzled person. I feel empty and lost, like I don't have a plan or purpose. I'm not working toward a goal or a mission. (I'm a very driven person)


Last night at bible study we brought up the topic of surrender. I immediately thought 'surrender? no, i'm okay'. And I opened my bible and continued reading where I had left off the day before.


"There is a time for searching and a time to quit searching. " Eccl 3:6


^{Eccl 3:"9} What do people really get for all their hard work? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. ¹¹ Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. ¹² So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. ¹³ And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."


Eccl 6: ⁹ Enjoy what you have (where you are) rather than desiring what you don’t have (where you could be in 5 years). Just dreaming about nice things (the future) is meaningless—like chasing the wind. 


Oh. Well.


I think I have some surrendering to do. But last night as I fell asleep I felt content with where I was, that there isn't a future mission in sight just yet, and as I woke up in my head was the song 'you are my treasure' and I enjoyed my coffee this morning on my way to school as the sun was coming up over the hill and fog was still creeping along the ground. And I was happy. 


"above all else give me Jesus, above the rest give to me the One my heart loves. You are my treasure, You are my treasure, the one I've been searching for, You are my hidden gold."

#4

Today I am thankful for breakfast, my favorite meal of the day. I missed it today and 'things' get out of control fast without breakfast. I don't need to go into detail. You just need to know how thankful I am for breakfast. That is all.

#3

I am thankful that we can make ends meet.

I was reminded on my drive into school today that there are families that can't make ends meet. Winter is coming and they won't be able to afford to heat their house. They can't afford to go out to eat at a nice restaurant when they choose. They can't afford to buy nice shoes or an extra pair of jeans.

I'm not saying this to brag that we have money (because we don't... believe me), but all too often I forget that we aren't lacking any essentials. We have a house that we can afford to heat, we have food in our fridge, we have hot water, we have cars that run, and we have enough clothes. We aren't in need of anything that is essential to our life. It's all too easy to come home and point out that the house isn't finished, there isn't enough cupboard space, the bathroom is small, the bedroom door doesn't close all the way, and we don't have any trim up. But NONE of those are critical to our well being.

We are blessed!

#2

Today I am thankful that I live in a country where I can vote!! Levi made sure that we were at the polls bright and early this morning (good thing the polling center is only 2 blocks away!) so that he could wear his little red sticker ALL day long. :) That's my husband! Patriotic to the core.

I'm grateful that I could vote for people who would represent my values and and things that are important to me and my family. It's hard (or impossible) to find a 'perfect fit' politician but it's still important to participate (even for you cynical people who don't think one person's vote is important :) ).

I hope you got out and voted today too!

25 days of thanksgiving

Happy November! I decided this month to choose to blog / facebook post / let people know about something I'm thankful for everyday until Thanksgiving. This conscious effort to tell about what I am thankful for will help me 'count my blessings' with a happy heart. Often things and people are taken for granted and overlooked in my busy life. It's easy to grumble and wish things were different.

A thankful heart is a perfect place for joy to grow.

So let's kick off the month.

I'm thankful for my husband. First and foremost I am thankful that he loves the Lord, but I am also thankful for so many other things about him. He works hard to bring home a paycheck so I can finish school and get my degree and after working all day he puts countless hours into house projects. This weekend he spent his whole Saturday morning building me a shelf in the kitchen! And he came home on Friday and sanded all the mud (sheetrock mud, not mud mud) in our entryway before taking me on a wonderful date!

He even looked up the difference of chow mein and lo mein for me so I could figure out which one I liked (the waitress wasn't much help...) He takes time to ask about how my day was and listens to me rant and rave explain all the parts of my very complicated day. 

He helps me stay more focused on important things in life and less on the petty things. I appreciate his encouragement, support, and love. After having a trying day it's nice to be able to go home to him and relax. 

What are you thankful for today?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh

I have trust and control issues with God. I'm not going to pretend like I don't, because I do. And they run DEEP. This really hinders my relationship with God sometimes and prevents me from drawing closer to him in the times I desperately need to.

I need to feel like I am in control of my own life. I know that I'm supposed to surrender everything (hopes, dreams, etc..) to him but. I. just. can't. Why? Because. It's the people you see every sunday in church, it looks like there doing everything 'right' for the Lord. Then out of nowhere their dreams are snatched away, or a spouse is found out to be having an affair, or the husband and father of young children is terminally ill and dies. You. have. no. control.

And that's the point where I panic. What if God takes Levi away from me? What if we live in poverty for forever? What if I never get what I want? If I earn this degree and pursue this as a career I will make this amount of money and I can buy anything I need to and we will always have health and life insurance and life will be perfect.

And then I look at what I'm saying... I, I, I, me, me, me... This life is not about me and what I want for my life. Life is not about how much money you make. It is about following what God has planned for me. And God isn't out to hurt you... Yes, bad things happen in life but God is bigger than those situations and has the power to get you through those issues. And sometimes I need to remind myself 1) My God LOVES me! He hurts when I hurt 2) God will give you the strength to make it through hard times that come to you 3) God will never give you more that you can bare and 4) everything you have is ultimately his anyway (so you should hold it lightly)

God is GOOD. His will for my life is more important than anything I could possibly want in this life. I have nothing to fear in God. And this small reminder always brings peace to my heart and helps me let go of fruitless dreams that aren't what God has in store for my life.

The debate for friday

Now don't laugh. but. we're back at the drawing board of my life.... I KNOW that it's like beating a dead horse but I can't NOT think about my future. So what should I BE when I grow up? This week I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I WILL come up with an answer. Someday.

Lets face it, I wouldn't be content to sit in a lab day in and day out doing projects that I didn't think were making a difference in the world. I want to feel like what I do is helping people, not just theoretically helping them but actually making their lives better. So what should I do? At this point I'm thinking that anything I decide to do will involve more schooling.

But when I start thinking of pursuing more school I'm worried that it's not bettering the Kingdom, just my own satisfaction. I'm worried that I'm wasting my time here on Earth with things that don't matter (well people and the environment matter but not as much as eternal life...) like more schooling and making money and making a difference. I feel stuck.

I don't want to waste my life.

I'm taking a vote

Where should we move when I graduate?

post your vote

Robert Frost: Stopping by woods on a snowy evening

This is one of my favorite poems. My dad and I use to quote it often as we walked through the woods in the winter. I use to listen to Robert Frost read it on an old album my grandma had on her record player. And today it feels like winter is just around the corner.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Graduating.

I graduate May 14th. Well, that is if I meet my requirements... I'm very terrified that it's going to come to May 1st and they're just going to say 'what? you did take (____)!? there is NO way you can graduate, see you next year sucker!' During my afternoon break sometimes I dream about it.

I WILL graduate, I WILL graduate...

I feel like the little train that could...

But graduating brings up a whole new 'bag of worms' so to speak. What am I going to DO with my life? I've been told by many people to 'start popping out babies'... No, not yet dear friends. I have goals and ambitions... I have mountains to climb and rivers to paddle. No babies.

I feel like I'm not living up to my potential by not going to grad school but I really don't have a deep burning desire to do more school. So axing babies and school off the lists leaves me with... finding a job. But then that means I have to figure out WHERE to get a job. It means filling out APPLICATIONS. It means the same redundant day 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year. Oh goodness...

Today I started looking at what jobs there are out 'in the real world.' The forestry jobs caught my attention. This would mean moving away from the area though. Moving is a whole other issue. Everything just seems so complicated. What to do, where to go, etc...

BUT right now I don't even have a degree, why worry about tomorrows problems. It WILL all work out.

I'm back! :)

Whew! What a crazy last two months.... I'm now officially back in school, working part time, on the soccer team, and trying to be a good wife. It's a handful :)

My poor husband... Monday we woke up at 5 am and went down to St. Cloud Surgery Center for him to get his jaw 'fixed.' They moved his upper jaw 4 mm forward and rotated it to the right. I thought it was going to be more like having your tonsils taken out, quick and easy. No. Not even close. Even as he went into surgery I was joking about it and not thinking too much about it. I prayed that God would give the Dr.s wisdom and all that but I wasn't too worried. It took him almost 3 or 4 hours to wake up from the anesthesia (which was only supposed to take 1 or 2 at max). He looked so beat up... There was a tube sucking blood from his stomach, he couldn't keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds, and he couldn't talk at all. His face was swollen and there was dried blood in his ear. I felt terrible. I shouldn't have joked around about it so much. I brought him to his parents house Tuesday morning before going to class. He's doing well but still not doing much but napping in his chair. He can't chew for 6 weeks so milk shakes it is. He's already been asking about eating pizza if he doesn't chew it :) but he doesn't want it mashed up. This will defiantly be a learning process for both of us :)

Books!

I need reading suggestions! Somebody help!

:)

Monday.

Monday monday monday.

You cannot control anyones' actions, you can only control how you handle yourself. That's what I was told today while discussing issues with a co-worker. I've been really struggling with this concept lately. All the bloody details don't need to be laid out or anything but I've been struggling with not 'micro-managing' someone (it's not Levi so I guess it's pretty easy to guess) in my life....

I've made my fair share of mistakes in the 20 years I have been alive and I tend to get 'preachy.' I start pointing out all the things that this person is doing wrong and how things should be different in their life and how they should change... Except, I have enough things in my life that need to be changed. I don't need to micro-manage him when I should be watching myself more closely and evaluating my mistakes and how to fix them. 

Everyone has to learn for themselves I guess and often I jump to judgment without really thinking if it's my place to even be judging (judge least you be judged... oh). Sometimes I need to shut my mouth, say the apologizes, ask for forgiveness, and try to make amends. I need to be less critical and stop micro-managing. 

A moment

It's almost 8 on saturday morning. I've already started making wedding cakes so that I'm not panicking thursday. I'm back laying in bed. This week I have realized I hate asking for help. I hate needing help. I like to do things all on my own and God forbid I need anyone but myself to accomplish any task that comes up during the day.

I realized this with wedding stuff this week. I was more than a little overwhelmed. I was venting to Levi about what I had to get done and how there wasn't enough time to do anything and see people I wanted to see. He said I should ask for help... What?... no.... I can do this all on my own, doesn't he know that? I am that good, I don't need help. He finally made some threat about asking for help if I didn't...

SO I texted my friend Jacque who is getting married soon too. She said she would be happy to help. What? I'm always surprised when people are willing to help me. I'm not sure why. But low and behold Jacque was at my doorstep at 6:30 on thursday night. And we had so much fun chatting and working on my wedding programs! It's fun!

Now I kinda wish I had asked more people for help, it makes the task at hand seem more relaxed. But maybe I have just had an awesome lesson in understanding that I DO need help sometimes and it's okay to ask for help. It's okay.

Sigh.

It’s 11:07 now. 11:08. PM that is. I can’t sleep. I can’t even close my eyes. The Internet is down here at home. Everyone else is in bed asleep. I can’t sleep.

A weekend from… the black lagoon. Or something. It started out promising. Our church, Church for the Harvest hosted a beautiful couples shower for Levi and I. We had delicious cheesecake with meat, cheese, and crackers. It was fun having the men there too. Some of the church families went in together to put together enough money for Levi and I to buy our first tent! We were (and are) so blessed by the shower and our friends. After we went out to Perkins with the usual crowd. We had a great time chatting. Then we were headed back to Levi’s house to order the tent we picked out MONTHS ago from REI.

We were on highway 27 and there were shiny eyes ahead of us about 100 yards maybe. Deer? No, there were too many… A whole family of raccoons? Maybe… We realized they weren’t that far in front of us, they were actually quite close, we slammed on the breaks as we saw a heard of about 10 cows standing in the middle of the road. We didn’t even see them! But how could we, it was pitch black and they were black.

What? Cows? This is dangerous; we should call the police before there is an accident. I called my mom to get the police phone number because it wasn’t a 911 emergency. I was about to hang up and Levi was going to try to shoo them off the road as we saw lights come around the corner in front of us. Levi slid back into his seat and said oh no. I told him to flash his brights at the on coming car. I told my mom the other car was slowing down, it looked like it was. Mom, no, they’re not slowing down! My blood went cold and I began to scream.

It was like nothing I have ever experienced. The raw panic of knowing the car wasn’t slowing down and the cows weren’t moving. I can still hear the sound of the cows being hit, being bowled over, being smashed here as I lay in my bed. A cow rolled over the top of the smashed Impala. I couldn’t stop screaming. The cows scattered everywhere. The car didn’t start to slow down till after it hit the cows. It slit to a stop. Levi was gone. I couldn’t get out of the car, I was paralyzed with fear. I called 911, hello yes (sobs) where am I? highway 27 (more sobbing) they hit the cows, the cows, they have broken legs, they have to be put down (and more sobbing). I didn’t know that Levi had already called it in. I looked out the window and there stood a cow, by now the police were arriving, the cow stood in the middle of the road with a broken leg, panting so hard it’s tongue has hanging out, shaking. My heart was so broken in so many ways. The pain of knowing that cow’s don’t heal from broken legs, they’re killed if they have broken legs. The pain of knowing that this farmer is going to be awoke to a nightmare. His living, his pets, his passions were smashed along highway 27 in the dead of the night. That farmer had the responsibility to the cattle to make sure they were locked up at night, but he didn’t want this to happen. There is no one you could blame, there was nothing that could have been done at this point, it had happened.

The people were okay, shook up, but okay. An ambulance came to remove glass from the two people, a man and a woman in their mid-twenties. The woman had been driving and was shook up, the man had been asleep. But they were going to be okay. We were all going to be okay.

Levi was so level headed. He did what needed to be done and he did it bravely and well. The people could have been dead. The cow could have pinned them in their car. It easily could have been us. Praise God that everyone is going to be okay.

Words cannot even begin to describe the panic and terror I felt during the accident.

I made it to bed by 2am. The following day was Saturday. We had a funeral to attend. Cancer had taken the life of a vibrant young man in our church. A son, a husband, a father of 2 young boys. Boys that might not even have a memory of their father. Everything was dying, everything was dead. I have cried this weekend like I have never cried before.

Today was good. Church was good. It was a day of rest. But now I can’t sleep. I feel agitated and restless. I can’t fall asleep. I don’t want to watch a movie, I don’t have a book with me to read, and Internet is down. I guess I’ll lay here.

God IS good and I have a lot to be thankful for. But what a weekend…

24 days

We have table decorations! Jewelry is done and ready for purchase! I still need to order shoes. I think now the fun begins. I feel like I can relax a little more and enjoy the last three weeks before the 'big day.' Levi and I cleaned out my apartment last weekend and then I kinda moved back to Villard (I'm not officially out of my apartment till July but it's just too empty now). Not many things are left on the list but I hope they all get done this weekend!

Our Acts class started last night at LCC and I think it's going to be a lot of fun. The people seem nice and the content is very interesting. I'm already looking forward to doing my homework for the week :)

The new iPhone came out on Monday and OOOHHHHH man, I'm already itching to get one :) I think I'll have to talk to AT&T tomorrow to see what can be done about my 2003 krazr (haha)

I went home last night and Rocky our cute Aussie was shaved. I always like the first few days of his summer due. He seems confident and and skinny (what I picture myself as sometimes haha). His big white paws look large and powerful and he seems more energetic. I love listening to my dad say he has to sleep in the house at night because he might freeze, or to keep him in the garage during the first few days because he might get sun burnt (and he actually does). But all in all he looks good, except for his ears which look very much out of place (in a cute way).

Happiness :)

33 days

And the count down is official. So far this weekend I have gotten fitted for my dress, I'm going to pick out jewelry, I picked apart (fake) flowers for the cute flower girl to drop the petals (they have to be fake), I realized I really really NEED to lose 10 pounds, I wrote most my shower thank yous, I started thinking about table decorations, I marked a few things off the list. I don't quite feel accomplished but maybe after this afternoon I'll feel better. The list looks a little less overwhelming. The cost of all the little things that need to be taken care of is crazy. I didn't know it could add up so fast!! This last month is going to be a whole lot of running around (literally and figuratively).

Everything is getting very exciting though! Trying on my dress was a blast and it's absolutely perfect :) I LOVE it. I'm excited about having a lady I know make my jewelry (and the bridesmaids!). It makes it more personal.

Moving things around Levi's house to make it more of my own is fun too. There are pictures to be put up, rugs to be laid down, painting to do, closets to clean, shelves to build and instal. Fun fun fun.

Levi has been great for the most part :) he's usually pretty helpful and willing to offer insight, advise, and opinions. I appreciate that about him.

Although this whole engagement things has been fun and exciting I'm glad this whole ordeal will be over in just over a month. Planning a wedding is stressful! As my friend ML says, it (the wedding) takes on a life of its own and it's like a train out of control. And it has. A trip to St. Cloud with mom should finish up most the undone things. Hopefully in the next week or so. And then I/we will be set. Hooray!

30 some days

The wedding is in less than 40 days. I am slightly panicked to say the least, although I may seem to hold it together pretty well I am freaking out. This is what I have/want/should do in the next 2-3 weeks:

Meet or talk with the DJ
Meet with Susan at Lakeside
Meet with the wedding coordinator at the church
Figure out the accessories for the flower girl
Get together with Cathy from church to do jewelry (YAY!)
Make a dentist app (and go to it)
Make sure all the bases are covered for the bridesmaids
I have 2 showers to attend (WOOT!)
I have a shower to plan
Have my dress altered a little
Get shoes for myself
A 5k
TABLE DECORATIONS (AHHHH!!) ((trip to st cloud))
Lots of thank yous :)

and sooo much more (I know I have more to do because only ONE of my lists is sitting next to me and I have 3 other lists in my backpack)....

I have my weekend booked full, and every weekend for the next 6 weeks! PANIC!
I'll keep you updated on how things are going :)

Chocolate

This morning in class there was a presentation on chocolate. I have never thought much about this tasty treat but this really shocked me and made me think.

This is David West, CEO of Hershey.

This is how he makes his profit.



Try to enjoy your Hershey bar now... Can't.
Knowing that children in slavery (literally they are children and they are actual slaves) are harvesting my cocoa beans in Africa so that I can have a few s'mores on Friday nights is not appealing to me.

Buying Fair Trade chocolate IS important. I didn't see just how important is was until this morning. Supporting Fair Trade products is always important. Coffee is the easiest product to find that is labeled Fair Trade. Just look for one of these signs

These labels are signs that the food you are eating have been grown and produced in a fair manner. Child labor laws were followed and workers were paid a fair price for their produce and treated fairly.

When buying Fair Trade chocolate your producer looks more like this

 than this

Treating people fairly is important. Were people abused for your candy bar? Know your food.

Yay weekend outings :)

I wish...

There are a few places I wish I was right now, this is a brief summary of places that would make this blah day so much better.

The North Shore, Temperance State Park I think, hiking is gorgeous and water is refreshing. Hiking is the perfect way to spend the day!

Levi's house with my cat Harriet. A nice nap on the couch sounds pretty good!!

Grand Marais, MN!! Love it. This picture is a great representation of one of the best days of my life. Fun had by all. Andy is the best history teachers out there. I know for a fact I have never laughed so hard and long. 

My house in Fall. I love the big trees and the way the leaves look while turning colors. Setting up the hammock and getting out a good book makes for a fantastic afternoon.

Ohhhhhhh, Steamboat Colorado how I miss you. I would give almost anything to be shredding some deep powder. What a vacation that was. 

I'm really looking forward to being able to do some hiking soon, schools almost out and I'm itching to get my boots on! There is nothing better than a thick forest, some tall mountains, and being alone for a few hours. I'm also looking forward to some canoeing pretty soon. Feels like it's been forever since I've held a paddle (although it was just a few weeks ago in Belize). 

Summer, are you here yet!!??

Talking

Here is an article on how talking affects happiness in people from the NYT. 


http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/17/talk-deeply-be-happy/


I found this article very interesting. I love talking. For me this article is fact. Having a deep conversation or two throughout the day will probably make me happier. I like to be stimulated to think and analyze situations whether it is healthcare or climate change. Conversations like that give me things to think over and the research. They give me ideas of what books I should read next and give me a chance to think critically. 


I'm really curious as to how many people feel better after a deep conversation. If we all started having one deep conversation a day would I wonder how our world would change. I wonder how people in our community would change. I wonder how I would change. 


Another question is what do people consider a deep conversation? A talk on a book, an issue, an idea? If you can't tell I'm highly intrigued. If you read this I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.

e e cummings - i carry your heart with me

I am a huge fan of e e cummings. I like his style, I like the content, I just like it. Here is one of his poems I ran across this morning while skimming through a book of poetry. 


You can't read poetry and stay fake.
- D. Miller

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart )

happy friday

Happy friday.

It IS a happy friday (contrary to popular belief). This weekend I get to babysit two of my favorite boys. I also get to have coffee with katy, which I'm pretty excited about (she likes REI scratch and dent sale as much as I do!). I think Levi and I will finish registering for wedding stuff. And I get to see my family from their travels to Florida. My brother (I'm SO proud of him!) made it to state level competition for the AAA award this year, it's awarded on saturday. Sunday I'm looking forward to church and a VERY FUN trip to st. cloud with the bible study gang (minus the much loved and missed Kylee!).

But right now I need to be productive on silly papers and homeworks. I kinda wish college was over. But what a blessing it is to be able to receive a higher education. Many people don't get college, or any schooling for that matter. I like to learn. I like to read. College is a privilege. And it will be over soon enough :)

Isaiah 52:7

How beautiful on the mountains
       are the feet of those who bring good news,
       who proclaim peace,
       who bring good tidings,
       who proclaim salvation,
       who say to Zion,
       "Your God reigns!"

A good vacation

I have been thinking. What is a good vacation? What do I value in a vacation? I have made 5 points that will make any vacation enjoyable (to me).

1) A group of no more that 6 people. A group of people that is very close with and you know that they will always like to do similar things. So if you decide to go hiking either everyone is in or some people decide to do something else. Esentially I just don't want complainers on a trip.

2) I like to do things on vacation. You will not catch me sitting at the campsite or the hotle more than I need to. I like to get out and go hiking, biking, canoeing, you name it. But I do NOT want to sit around.

3) I like vacations where you can continually be active. And when you want to chill there is a cute local resturant or coffee house that you can read at. I like to go to a place that has character.

4) I do not like to feel like I am going somewhere and exploiting the people that actually live there. Having an awesome vacation at their expense isn't my idea of fun.

5) I like mountains WAY better than the ocean. I like the wide open WAY better than a busy town. I like quiet time WAY better than going to a club. I like a campfire WAY better than a fancy resturant. I like to make at least two of my own meals a day and bring my own (camping, climbing, biking, canoeing) gear.

That is what makes a good vacation for me!

What do you eat?

I would like to bring to your attention the issue of agrichemicals and the dire need to bring about reform in this area. I would first like to start by telling you about the Huichols in Mexico. They work on big corporate farms and these corporate farms use lots of agrichemicals, mostly pesticides. The Huichols cannot read the bottles of pesticides to even begin to understand how severely toxic these chemicals are to they’re bodies. They are not properly equipped to spray the crop fields that they are asked to. They get these chemicals all over their bodies and into their lungs. Some Huichols even mix the pesticides by hand because they have no other tool to mix the solution up with. These people get sick from the pesticides; most cases are never reported unless the person actually dies in a clinic. These people end up blind, paralyzed, riddled with cancer, and often dead. Children that are forced to work in these fields and in these conditions are often the ones most at risk due to their low tolerance to the toxins. Neither U.S. nor Mexican government does anything to regulate the toxins that are being used to control pests. According to a film ‘Fed Up’ there are about 32 pesticides that are being used in Mexico today that have been completely banned all over the world, yet we let these pesticides back into our country when we import the produce that has the toxic residue still on it. No one is benefitting from this other than the corporations that are making and selling the agrichemicals. We as consumers are still at risk by consuming these chemicals every time we sit down to a meal. It is well known that these chemicals are toxic and deadly to anyone who touches them. To avoid liability the companies that produce them promote ‘safe use’ and 'say' they give demonstrations on how to use the chemicals properly. The problem is that many countries do not have what is needed to safely apply the chemicals. Also, many of the people who apply the chemicals are unable to even read the labels that are on the bottles and have no way of even knowing that these are highly toxic chemicals they are dealing with. 


There are also many ecological costs as well as health risks. Birds in Central America are at risk because their food source is poisoned; this poisoning affects the bird’s reproductive organs. Fish in the same area get drowned in run off poison twice a year, and cattle eat the contaminated grass and are also poisoned. The poisoning does not only affect humans, but ecosystems as well. According to the articles ‘Circle of Poison’ a worker in a developing country dies ever MINUTE due to poisoning. 20% of the pesticides exported from the U.S. have been banned in the U.S. Even after a worker has showered twice there is still enough toxic residue in their skin to kill a goldfish in a bowl of water. 


We are also robbing cultures of the ability to provide for themselves. They are in debt to pesticide companies for life because they are trying to compete with the global food system in hope of finding a better life. 


Are you aware of where your food comes from? How it's produced? Who handles it? I challenge you to really think about these things. People all around the world are suffering because we want to eat berries during the winter, because we don't eat local foods, because we want our food to look perfect. 


Buy local, eat local. Plant a garden. Eat foods in season. Learn to cook. Eat less meat. There are a billion and one things you can do to change your way of eating. Don't benefit from other peoples hardships.

Good Morning!

It's a good morning. And this song is from me to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXGFKpWUOW0

I leave for Belize on Wednesday. I am VERY excited but maybe not as much as I should be. I have papers to write, tests to study for, things to plan, things to do when I get back and it almost seems like more of a chore to take a week off than a vacation.

I'm sure as soon as I get on the plane my attitude will change right away. I like flying. There isn't anything to do except listen to music, read, pray, or chat to the guy next to you. It's peaceful.

I painted my toes pink last night in celebration of wearing sandals without socks to church. It reached 38 degrees yesterday!! You know you're a good minnesotan when it reaches 38 degrees and you decide it's time to stop wearing jackets. Yes, it's almost time for spring. That's such a good feeling.

Summer will be here before we know it. And that is when the real fun will start. Summer evenings are the best. They are perfect for hanging out with friends till late and still being able to get up early for a bike ride. Eating breakfast in the driveway as the sun comes up, and listening to music.

Summer will be good. THIS summer will be great :)

The Joker

Thursday I walked in to the apartment building to get on the elevator to go to the third floor. There was a man standing with his back to me. The elevator dinged as I walked up to it and opened. So I got on. The man muttered something and turned around to get on the elevator and go up as well.

I saw his face.

There was blood all around his lips.

He looked exactly like the Joker.

I began to panic. He looked like the Joker, he muttered like the Joker...

He lifted his hand to his mouth and rubbed his lip. There was blood all over his hand now too. There was blood speckled on his white polo shirt. There was blood dripping on to the elevator floor!

I was terrified. Would I EVER make it to my apartment? Was there a gun in his plastic bag? Was I done for!?

He spoke.

"Sorry, I had 8 teeth pulled today..."

My heart jumped a little. I was going to be okay.

8 teeth????? How can you have 8 teeth pulled?

"I have to have 7 more pulled on monday..."

WHAT?? ouch.

I felt very sad for him. I could tell he was embarrassed and trying to hide the blood that kept dripping out his mouth.

"Need to get some gauss in my mouth"

I was at a loss for words. I felt bad for him. 8 teeth? And I was still slightly scared.

I got off at the third floor and said 'have a nice day'

...... 'have a nice day'????? How can you tell a man who has just had 8 teeth pulled to have a nice day?

Head vs. Heart

I know God.

I know a lot of things.

Sometimes it is so hard to let what you KNOW sink to your HEART. So that you can feel what you are thinking. When you feel it, you live it. When you have it in your heart you act and live in a new way, it reverberates in you. It becomes who you are and what you stand for. It becomes what you want your life statement to be.

I know it's not always easy to feel what you WANT to live. Failure is as consistent as breathing. Will I ever do this right? Will I ever be good enough? I know how I WANT to be but I always fall short. Wayyyyy too short. You could say that I fall LONG. And hard. It can be so discouraging.

Why can't I feel what I'm thinking? Why isn't it in my heart?

Dear God,

I want to live with a deep burning passion for YOU and you alone. I want to love. I want to touch people and show them compassion. I want to use what you have so graciously blessed me with to show YOUR love to the rest of the world. I want to be your hands and feet. I want to be a servant, your servant.

But I'm stuck God, I'm stuck. I need you to help me. I'm sick of failing, failing you.

~me

I need to pick up my broken pieces and give them to God. But before I can so humbly give God my pieces I need to pick them up. I have to make the first move. I have to choose to push on and not worry about failing. I have to get over my great fear of FAILURE. I can do ALL things thru God.... ALL THINGS. There is no failure there. There is no failure in God.

I trust he will lead me. I don't want my life to be a waste, a failed life. I will trust in Him. I will get it in my heart, on my heart. He will write it on my heart. And that will be my statement. I trust in Him at ALL times because with Him I can do all things.

What I'm looking forward to this summer

I think I have a little bit of cabin fever, I'm getting anxious for summer. The snow was nice for a season but now it's time to move on. I'm looking forward to this summer more than just about any other summer. I've even started a list of what I'm looking forward to :)

• Mountain biking makes the top of the list.
• Road biking comes at a close second.
• I'm looking forward to quality time with friends, late night grilling and bonfires.
• Taking Harriet for walks.
• I'm looking forward to planting a veggie garden with all my favorites in it (tomatoes)
• Spending time with Levi.
• Canoing!! And spending time on the water.
• Working a full 40 hours a week.
• Getting married.
• Moving into a house.
• Going to outdoor concerts.
• Going to art festivals.
• Taking my longboard to class.
• Mastering the fine art of domestication.
• And relaxing in the hammock with my rope sandals and a good book.

What would I like

I really don't like making decisions. Big or small. I like things to be decided for me. Whether it's what I'm doing for the evening or what's for supper. I like to follow. I like things to be planned for me. I like schedules and I don't like to deviate from them. I think the problem is that I have a consistent habit of being inconsistent. Once I commit to a decision there is no problem keeping to it. The problem is committing to a decision. This can be best seen at about 5 o'clock at night.

Currently the decision making has been over wedding issues. I don't know what I want. I want big, I want small, I want inside, I want outside. I can't make up my mind.

I need someone to plan the whole thing for me and I'll just show up!

Oh dear

Today....

I forgot to register for graduation. But the kind secretary lady fixed for me.

I don't think I'm responsible enough to graduate.

Well, I am. But. I need to be more conscious of what I have going on when.

Time management seems to be a real issue for me and I'm not sure why. It shouldn't be. All through high school I was very careful with my time and doing things in a timely fashion. Now it feels like life has kind of spun out of control and I can't figure out why I'm not more on top of things.

My experiment for the next week will be lists. Maybe slowing down and taking time to make lists will not only help me think about more things but will provide me with an excellent list as well.

But really. How do you FORGET to register for GRADUATION?

A blustery adventure

Twas a cold winters night and all through the streets....

Tuesday is volleyball night. After a bit we decided that maybe it was a perkins pie night as well. Off we go, headed to perkins. High hopes for banana cream and peanut butter silk pies...

Kylee and Alex were driving ahead of Levi and me. I didn't think Kylee's tire looked quite right. No, it did not. I told Levi the tire looked very low and he agreed. We would tell her it was low when we got to perkins.

It got lower.

Two stop lights later I could hear Kylee's tire making funny noises over the top of dave matthews singing 'so much to say.' I told Levi, he turned off the music and yes indeed we could hear the tire slapping against the pavement. We should call Kylee and tell her.

We started pulling away from the stop light after it turned green. The tire was smoking. Kylee procceded to pull over, realizing something wasn't quite right.

It was indeed flat, as some would say it was 'flat as a pancake.' I might compare it to a smooshed donut.

Levi and Brad came to the rescue. At first there was no spare tire to be found. Then it was located under the van. Then we assumed that there must be a bolt to loosen the tire from the bottom of the van. It must be under the carpet. We ripped up ALL the carpet out of the back of the van to not find a single bolt. The Taxi Man stopped to help us. Mr. Taxi Man found the bolt and got the tire off the bottom of the van.

After a few minutes the tire was fixed, we were saved, life was going to be okay, we could go to perkins.